The 40-Year-Old Spoon Messiah
In the neurodivergent universe, spoons aren't just utensils—they're sacred sensory objects that provide comfort, stability, and a tangible connection to reality.
The weight. The curve. The balance. The clink sound it makes when tapped just right. These are the holy metrics by which Nick Keith, our spoon prophet, judges all spoons.
While normies see mere cutlery, autistic minds like Nick's perceive the cosmic significance of each spoon's unique properties. The right spoon can mean the difference between a good day and a sensory meltdown.
This is why ratemyspoon.com was born—a divine digital shrine where Nick bestows his spoon wisdom upon the unworthy masses.
Age: 40 years young with the mind of an ancient grape and the body of an even older, uglier grape.
Mission: To conquer the world one spoon rating at a time, bringing order to the chaotic cutlery universe.
Powers: Can detect a spoon's weight accuracy within 0.1 grams by mere sight. Knows if a spoon will "feel right" before touching it. Has never encountered a spoon he couldn't rate.
Weakness: None. (Okay, maybe forks. But we don't talk about those.)
"A perfect spoon is like a perfect day—rare, beautiful, and worth documenting for posterity."
- Nick Keith, probably
Weight: 35g • Length: 18cm • Vintage: 1972
"The curvature is divine. The weight distribution? Heavenly. This spoon could end wars."
Weight: 28g • Length: 16.5cm • Modern
"Perfection achieved. The way it catches the light brings tears to my eyes. Buy stock in this spoon's manufacturer."
Weight: 42g • Length: 17cm • 1980s
"Who designed this abomination? The weight is all wrong, the balance offensive. Using this spoon is an act of self-harm."
"Before Nick rated my spoons, I was lost in a sea of mediocre cutlery. Now I dine like royalty, using only his 4.5+ approved spoons. My cereal has never tasted better."
— Samantha R., Spoon Convert
"I thought I knew spoons. Then I discovered ratemyspoon.com. Nick's reviews are more thorough than my college thesis. The man is a spoon savant."
— Dr. Elliot T., Cutlery Scientist
"We used Nick's spoon ratings to redesign our entire product line. Sales increased 300%. The man should be running the cutlery industry."
— Michael K., Spoon Manufacturer
Nick Keith's spoon wisdom has enlightened thousands. Join the cult of perfect cutlery today.
Remember: A day without spoon ratings is a day wasted.
ALL HAIL NICK KEITH